There isn’t a Dad on earth eager to hear that his teenage daughter is “bumping uglies” or “knocking boots”.  One minute she is 11 and thinks boys are “gross”, the next she is 15 and worried more about hair, eyebrows, and makeup than breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  It is  difficult  to watch her go through this huge physical and emotional transformation.  No doubt it is a period of hypersensitivity to petty emotional incidents, indulgence in various habits and, of course, sex.  It is during this  period they come to acknowledge their sexual identity and explore the whole “thing” that hangs unuttered… fucking.

At this point, parents get anxious as to how they can control their children.  Worries are normal, but you need to know that this is not going to solve your problem, rather add to it!  And let’s face it, teenagers are going to “get some” however they see fit… in your house, behind a tree, in a car, or where ever it is you ain’t watching them.  If you know how to stop this inevitable “God getting back at you” madness, without going bald and pissing each other off, please let me know in the comment section below. Until then, here are some tips on how you can react to your kid’s (daughters specifically) “peaceful surrender” before elevating your right foot to DEFCON 5.

Soft Talk:

I suggest by the time your kid turns 15 (unless your family history proves earlier), assume they are already “smashing” or about to get “smashed”.  So be straight with them, and talk about sex no matter who feels embarrassed.  If you stay cocooned and feel too shy to talk about it, they will never be able to open up to you.  Therefore, as a parent, you have to take the initiative to explain the sexual matters to your kid in a non-threatening manner.  Your openness will allow them to spell out their feelings and will welcome you into their own “hormone drama” world.  It is the first step to diagnose whether your child is sexually active or not.  If yes, then move on to these next steps.

Curb Your Anger and Ego:

If you just came to know that your “goody-two-shoes” daughter is enjoying her clandestine date with your neighbor’s boy, don’t get mad!  Don’t be a hypocrite, as this was bound to happen.  We [parents] have the tendency to inject some sense of morality and virginity into our kids, but when it doesn’t work, all you have to do is keep your cool and explain why they must be careful about it. Easier said than done, but just don’t get wrapped up in the idea that you failed to protect your daughter’s virginity.  Eventually the moat will no longer be able to keep the black night at bay (wait, what?!).

Build a Strong Relationship:

As a responsible parent, you must build up a strong rapport with your kids so that they do not feel afraid to share their thoughts and deeds with you.  By puberty, kids understand their gender identity.  If your kid is gay, then accept it and move on.  Social rejection from your own family is fucked-up and will lead to serious depression.

Inform Them of STDs, pregnancy, and THE GAME:

STDs are common among wannabe adults* and the main reason behind this…  lack of knowledge.  No one can explain these subtle things to a young mind better than the parents themselves.  Teach your kids what an STD is and how it can affect their lives.  Show them all the pictures we had to see at their age… the white and green hairy tongue, the dude with the permanent bumpy mustache, and that picture that resembled an unkept Smurf Village [don’t click that link until you’re ready to have The Talk… ugh].  Let them know about the use of preventive measures, like condoms.  Better yet, take them to the corner store and have them buy a box of condoms.  If they get all nervous with the cashier, this may be a sign that they’ve never done this before, which should cause you to throw the “I use prophylactics” bullshit flag.  Once they are out of the store, reinforce their training by giving them the lesson objective, “Ain’t no such thing as free pussy”.  Now as a kid, I never “banged” a girl who carried a condom with her, and that reflection now scares me as a parent.  Let us not allow our girls to assume lover boy just so happens to be carrying a mint conditioned condom in his sock.  Girls should have TWO condoms always with them, and trained on how to put it on themselves.  I’ll let you decide how to provide that training, but trust this warning from a rehabilitated scandalous dirt-bag boy.

* Reports reveal that each year, ‘U.S. teens experience as many as 850,000 pregnancies’, and the younger lot aged under 25 experience ‘9.1 million sexually transmitted infections (STIs)’. It has also been revealed that by 18 years, ‘70 percent of U.S. females and 62 percent of U.S. males’ have already indulged in “vaginal” sex… not that “Bill Clinton sex”.

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