There is an old addiction among us with a new name. This new name has caused a re-evaluation of said addiction, and the new name is “fapping”.
To jack off or masturbate (i.e., Man i was fapping last night and totally jizzed all over my hands.)
You could be in one of three phases of your fapping addiction:
- Haven’t done it long enough to think you have an addiction.
- Know you have an addiction, but not willing/wanting to do anything about it.
- Tired of the thoughts that won’t allow you to sleep or progress throughout your day until you get that fix!
Not to brag, but I’m in that third tier, and just so I don’t get into too many details, Louis C.K. explains my issue perfectly within the first two minutes of this video.
To explain just a little bit more, I’ve been doing this since I was 12… I’m a friggin professional athlete at this! It all started around page 43 of every Jet Magazine… the Beauty of the Week. For those not familiar with Jet, it is a magazine catered to Black Americans with controversial advertising loyalty to cigarettes (Newport, duh) and alcohol… at lest in the 80’s and 90’s. A young black kid, such as myself, could easily find these stacked up underneath a coffee table at grandma’s house, or be handed them in art class to cut out pictures for collages (along with the “tribal boobies” filled National Geographic).
Bare with me in my analogy…
When I entered this fantastic voyage in a 1958 Plymouth Fury, I was marveled by its gold anodized aluminum trim and bumper wing-guards. However, very soon, after acceleration, I realized I had NO BRAKES. I began to determine exit strategies…
Not so serious Me: “I’ll just open the door, then tuck and roll once I lose my virginity.”
THREE YEARS LATER…
A more confident Me: “Once I get married and this baby goes uphill, the car will come to a stop, then I can just walk out.”
NINE YEARS LATER…
A not fuckin around anymore with this shit Me: “I’ll just have some kids, then this baby is sure to run out of gas.”
TWELVE YEARS AND THREE KIDS LATER… the doors will not unlock and I’m screaming while trying to kick out the front window. Sirens blaring behind me, and a “Thelma & Louise” type cliff is up ahead. Oh yes, I want OUT!
If you suffer from the below symptoms, chances are you’re in the car with me:
- Do you pretend to be busy in the bathroom for hours, but really you’ve just been searching for porn and just haven’t found the right video yet?
- Do you wonder if your kids are peeping at you through the bottom of the bathroom door, and wondering “why daddy’s feet pointed backwards if he’s going poo”?
- Do you feel somehow relieved when your wife says “I’m too tired”, which now justifies your pursuit to pretend fuck a new “whooty”, “pawg”, or “bubble butt” chick; with no “am I not attractive to you anymore” guilt?
Then please join me in this mission to take back our wives, our minds, and our time. This infographic explains a lot about the effects of fapping and how to join the fight against it.